Breaking the Huddle


The Ten People at Most Fantasy Drafts
September 23, 2010, 1:15 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

So I realize this is a couple of weeks late, but it’s a little something I wrote a couple of weeks ago that needs to get out there. I call it  “The Ten People at Most Fantasy Football Drafts”. This is based on my own experience, but I know that the categories are more or less limitless. Feel free to toss them out there at the end!

  1. The Condescending Prick Who Won the League Last Season – This man is the reincarnation of every a-hole who made high school ten times more difficult than it had to be. Of course, he’s really good at fantasy sports- hell, he’s really good at everything he does, and he knows it. He spends the majority of the draft emasculating his fellow draftees and openly mocking even the safest and mundane of picks… “Pierre Thomas, you’re drafting a guy named Pierre? Uh – ha – ha – haaaaaa.” PROJECTED FINISH: Title game. Damn him.
  2. Stoned/ Buzzed Guy Who Can’t Seem to Pay Attention – Despite the fact that he adds a solid forty five minutes to the overall time of the draft due to his inattention, he’s the perfect guy to have in the league, so long as you draft at a bar / restaurant. Institute a rule at some point saying that the next guy who tries to pick a player who’s already been taken has to buy a round. Then, sit back and lap up free pitchers of beer. PROJECTED FINISH: Dead last. When he picked Ricky ‘Sticky’ Williams and Percy ‘Mary Jane Cures My Migraine” Harvin, in the first two rounds, the writing was on the wall.
  3. The Fantasy Virgin – Absolutely terrified of #1. He’s terrified of everyone, for that matter. He just hopes to escape any sort of embarrassment or ridicule. He takes a long time making each decision, and by the end of the evening, his sweaty palms are black from all the ink he’s rubbed off his magazine. Make no sudden movements or loud noises near this one, as he spooks easily. PROJECTED FINISH: Near the bottom of the league. Better luck next year.
  4. The Diehard [Insert Team Here] Fan – He’ll tell anyone who will listen that his team’s QB is a first- round pick, the RB and first WR are second-rounders, the TE’s third round-material and the BACKUP TE is a worthy mid-to-late rounder, completely disregarding such things as evidence or reason.  He might not get all of his guys, but that’s not for lack of effort. PROJECTED FINISH: Difficult to tell, as it directly correlates to how well his favorite team does.
  5. The Fantasy Geek –This guy’s obsession with fantasy football has completely supplanted internet porn as the unhealthy and disgusting habit that will keep him single well into his thirties. Has a picture of Eric Karabell on his bedroom wall. He’s spent more than his monthly income on subscriptions to magazines, websites and newsletters, despite the fact that he’s only playing in a couple of $25 leagues.  Shows up with color coded spreadsheets, draft books the size of bibles and the trophy from the time he won a league ten years ago. A sad, sad specimen. PROJECTED FINISH:  An even .500, out of the playoffs. Just enough of a taste to keep this charade going next year, but not enough shame to get him to stop. Again, it’s tragic.
  6. The Maverick – About four rounds in, take a look at the big board (if you have one) and see if anyone has, say, four players who all play the same position. Chances are, that’s the Maverick.  You begin to wonder if he’s some sort of evil genius, the way he sits and endures the curious interrogation of your fellow drafters as to what-in-the-hell-he’s-doing with a quiet self-confidence. Inside he may be crumbling, but he’ll never show it. He takes players out of place, will likely take the first D, first kicker, and last starting QB. PROJECTED FINISH: This guy is usually the king of waiver-wire pick-ups (his first born sons shall be named Miles and Austin) so he’ll be just fine. 4th Place.
  7. The Chick – As you look around, you’ll see the small signs from some of your fellow drafters; the eye-rolls, the snickers muffled by backs of their hands, the small but noticeable headshakes. Some in the league will dismiss her picks as flighty and irrational and will whisper to the league commish, “Seriously, a chick?” more than once. A few months later, those same guys will stare blankly at their computer screens late on a Sunday afternoon, the cold reality slowly sinking in: they’re going to be beaten by the Chick. PROJECTED FINISH: Dead in the middle of the pack. Hopefully, above all the misogynistic turds…
  8. The Guy With the Same Draft Book as You: This guy shows up, plops down next to you, and opens his book up to the same exact page you’re on. Whatever, no big deal. In the polite, pre-draft conversation, you discover he’s done mock drafting at the same site as you and read the same Love/Hate columns that you have. Lo and behold, he picks right before you too, and goes on to take all the sleepers you liked. You slowly begin to channel the latent aggression you feel towards Guy #1 towards this guy. PROJECTED FINISH:  Consolation game, 3rd place finish overall. And it so totally would’ve been you if he hadn’t taken all those guys you liked…
  9. Wild Card – At first blush, this guy will be difficult to distinguish from the Maverick.  The difference lies in the moments after every pick; the Maverick will retroactively convince himself that he has a strategy in place. The Wild Card is… just… a wild card. Usually the comedian of the draft, he keeps things light and fun when Guy #1 is berating the rest of the group and will make a few inappropriate yet funny passes at #7. PROJECTED FINISH: Near the bottom, unfortunately. His interests lie elsewhere, so he doesn’t mind much.
  10. Guy Who Just Sort of Shows Up – His pre-draft preparation involves buying a months-old magazine (TO hasn’t signed yet? Antonio Bryant’s a top ten receiver? Nothing about Big Ben’s suspension? Huh?) at a rundown gas station on his way to the draft itself. He shows up and picks the next best available, according to the magazine, the entire night. Sure he takes into account bye weeks, but he doesn’t do much else. After the draft, you realize he wound up with a perfectly solid team… PROJECTED FINISH: League CHAMPION. Take that, The Condescending Prick Who Won the League Last Season! How do ya like him now? Deep down, it bugs you a little that someone who didn’t prepare beat you, but hey, anyone’s better than The Condescending Prick Who Won the League Last Season.
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